FEAR

The kind of fear I used to feel was practiced at beauty

It was a low-stakes winking fear that liked

To look lovely strangers in the eye

That used to say “I hope I don’t get caught”

That used to send cursive words down my blood to spell

A word that when recognized

Would whip me out of my bed

And send me thrilling down deserted streets

Kinda drunk to go meet someone

That kind of fear was an open jar

Just sloshing

Staining everything it touched

And the stain was annoying but would come out after four or five washes

Not a big deal

Not a big deal fear

O! Permeable veil of time

So sexy but eventually the slime gets in through the fibers

Fingers itself all the way up to the curtain rod

It’s time to acknowledge that emotions themselves change

The way we feel them can change

See, I said “rod” but it wasn’t even hot

And now I feel fear all the way to the bone

I feel shame but it’s not like the shame I used to feel

I feel want but it’s not like the want I used to feel

I pick my cuticle and then push a blood droplet out of the wound

Just to witness its surface tension

It looks like the head of a sewing pin

Before it gets too big and bursts

These prosaic days

Isn’t the fear so small these days

Isn’t the fear so close these days

Isn’t it a feeling

So similar to dear

It easily could be mistyped

Disgusting government so near to my skin these days

My beloveds all asleep in the same house these days

And then there is the dog barking outside the house

And the dog is so close

It could almost push its way inside