Affliction

listening to maara
the world underwent
an update. no feeling
like shit like feeling
like shit on a friday.
people keep asking
what’s with all the
mubi merch, but I don’t
want to elaborate. still
I’d like to see what
the rain might bring
when it’s mixed with all
you’d bring up in me.
drinking my way into a
headache it felt like a fly
was on every nerve ending.
is it true that hate
is a symptom of love?
I’m waiting for poetry
to resume its effect on me.
cold summer night
what are you the symbol of?
hunger bends my spine & I
am afraid of being loved
by someone beautiful again.
I’m too ashamed to greet
the cat that meets me
every morning. after a week
with friends comes the
need to not be alone. I
remember you saying once
you’re not that desperate
but I am. smoking that keef
honeyed spliff, pouring all
that beer into the lake
I meant to get arrested.
I could feel my age
when at the reading I said
to will, what’ve you been
up to & he said work
& colt said work
& shy said work.
in the cab to nitehawk
I thought the shrooms
were hitting but I was just
happy to see the tv glow.
in the mundane miracle
flying’s become, life
is all about goodbyes.

Renaissance

I see a skyscraper and think of the side of your face
remember that day I went quiet in the sun
and you said it felt like a break up
like Courtney I'm not in control
of the length of this report
today I asked every friend I had
if they were busy and they all said yea
I put down my book and pick up my phone
cuz I want my joy over and done with
you stood between me and the remainder
of an unfulfilling life
in front of a folding table
I got in the gorilla suit
so you could express your reservations
it happened in the basement of my life
the knot in the curtain looking like a face
I had you waiting across the sea and then just the sea
when my mom told my dad she didn’t love him anymore
I was trying to break the door frame with my arms
I was trying to see
if my arms would go numb
or if that was only a myth
I was trying to find out
if when I stepped out of the frame
whether my arms would stand up
like morning wood
which I didn’t know
the meaning of yet. My father
on his knees. His tears
on her lap. And she
not looking at me
as I walked past
to get my toy
from the basement
where is it
that nourishment
I vomited inside myself
well, there are no gardens anymore
but there isn’t someone across the galaxy either
or no one we could talk to, ever
when you asked me what I loved most
you or writing
I said I can fail
to be loved, but I can’t fail to write this
I’ve found my new fetish
which is falling asleep
while someone carefully removes a bird
from the road
so it can die
a little more quietly

Smashing Pumpkins

who writes songs
while others clean?